Throwing Forks and Picking Teeth: The Trenches of Marriage

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menshawn

Happily ever after begins with understanding that happiness never equals perfection.

I didn’t marry the profile of a perfect man, I married a real man.

He screws up sometimes and often says exact the wrong thing at the wrong time.

He doesn’t tell me I am beautiful every day either and honestly he doesn’t even make me feel beautiful everyday.

I don’t even expect him to, because friends, I am NOT beautiful everyday.

I have picked my teeth, farted, and snored in front of this man who honestly just impresses me that he is willing wake up next to me everyday without being completely horrified.

Some days my attitude isn’t beautiful either.

I once threw a fork at his head because he told me that he forgot to buy french onion dip.  I was pregnant, but still, the fork barely avoided his eye socket and hit right above the eyebrow.

I am pretty sure it hurt and if I wasn’t pregnant he probably would have grabbed the fork and chased me around the house with it.

I also shot him point blank in the head one time with a paintball gun standing not more than one foot away from him.

Thank God he is hard headed because apparently it could have killed him had I shot him in the right place. I thought his eyes were going to bulge out their sockets, but he took a deep breath and slowly walked into the distance–kind of twitching as he went– before killing me.

I just didn’t know that paintball guns were so intense; I kind of thought that they were like Nerf guns.

And that isn’t the only shot taken in our marriage.

I have yelled at him; he has yelled me. We have taken bricks out of the foundation of our relationship and thrown them at each other to the point I have thought we just might crumble to the ground.

That’s right, we have been there.

Marital problems are easy to romanticize, but the days when you have to diligently fight for your marriage and to keep loving each other during the worst moments of life are painful trenches.

We have been to some dark places together and the only light we have ever found there was Jesus. He is the key to success. When I am totally unlovable, Shawn loves me the way Christ loves me–unconditionally.

Each day we must echo God’s grace.

For He chooses to love me no matter my sin and no matter my fails–He picks me up and offers me unconditional love.

We must do the same for each other.

The rough roads we have been down have taken us to the most breathtaking places, simply because we have been willing to stay in the car.

Flashing Palm Trees and Elvis Impersonating Birds: Just another Day at the Duncan’s

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The day my husband announced he was going to order a fake palm tree to put next to the swimming pool, I was really just fine with it.

Since my gardening skills are limited to raising dandelions and morning glories that somehow grow with no effort on my part whatsoever, I thought a fake palm tree was a fine idea.

Maybe slightly tacky–yet nothing that would rile up the neighbors.

I worry about this because on occasion–and usually unintentionally–my husband riles up some of our neighbors.

He just isn’t used to worrying about etiquette, and especially neighborhood etiquette.

He is a country boy.  He believes that rusted cars are perfectly suitable yard ornaments.

This is the man whose gas-exhausted lawn mower sits in the middle of a half-mowed yard for a week and a half–in the exact spot it ran out of gas and directly to the American flag bearing nativity–our Cheistmas/Independence day decor.

So again, I thought this palm tree thing was pretty mild.

Until the truck showed up.

I was cleaning windows when I suddenly locked eyes with the driver of an over-sized semi who was carrying the parts of what would become the biggest spectacle on our street.

I could see the wonder in his eyes as he stared into my second story window: a look I am used to when it comes to dealing with my husband.

My husband ran out the door like a kid on Christmas as box after box of to be assembled parts were carried out of that truck.

Speaking of Christmas–if you have ever watched The Christmas Story–it was like that.

The sexy leg lamp.

leg lamp

The night sky aglow with tropical green and orange highlights, groups of men gathered around the house mesmerized by this 12 foot flashing monstrosity of a tree. Women stood closely by with their faces twisted in confusion–possibly despair.

On one side of me was my husband’s tear soaked face as an Elvis impersonating Blue Bird unpacked in one of the flashing branches, and on the other side of me were annoyed whispers.

“What has this neighborhood come to?”

Sorry–it just slipped out.

After clearing airspace with misguided pilots trying to land in the backyard and making sure that neighbors and visitors are properly instructed of all safety precautions.

“Do not stare directly at the tree.”

Even then, who knew that a 12 foot flashing palm tree with plastic coconut trimmings could cause such separation among the people.

Two groups dominated the fight: pro-tree and anti-tree.

My husband, along with most men I know and over half of my friends made up the pro-tree side.

The anti-tree movement contained of me, a disgruntled neighbor, and some people who I never actually met but heard about through the disgruntled neighbor.

Six years have passed, the bird has grown and moved on to pursued its dreams on the Vegas strip, the disgruntled neighbor moved on to the construction of a large and unattached garage (also ours) and I have finally made peace with the palm tree.

I have found it generally makes for good writing material.

And I kind of like making this card with it:

 

feliz navidad

Your Kingdom Come

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You aren’t a Queen. He’s not a king. Make God the ruler of your union and your kingdom will come.
Fairy tales don’t happen. 

Real life happens along with hardship and struggle, and in the midst is grace. Grace to see every flaw and endure each mistake.

 

How to know your husband is grouchy

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1. He is using a stud finder and fails to take the opportunity to put it on himself and make little beeping noises.

2. He is asking couch pillows for marital advice.

How to prevent husband from being grouchy:

1. Do not accept offers for a free couch and agree to move said couch on his only day off. Especially when hubby thought current couch was just fine.

That said, I really like my new couch. 🙂 Ssssshhhhhh

  

A sickness such as this.

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Standing in aisle 6 of the store, I suddenly catch a noxious scent creeping into my nostril. It fills my nasal passage, this repugnant odor hijacking the air around me.

I look around for a rotting source and find a red-faced man hightailing it around the corner. He was gone, once again leaving me to endure what he has left behind and to face fellow shoppers who unknowingly walk into the smelly trap he has set on aisle six.

This was a man that I had vowed to care for through sickness and health, but surely God understands that no one can endure a sickness such as this.

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